And now for a quick Christmas commercial break...

Before we all collectively overdose on candy canes and radio Christmas carols, let's take a quick break shall we? For the sake of our own sanity. So, let me tell you a little something I recently learnt about the inner workings of the Mind of a Man from the great Steve Harvey (and his awesome book). Now I used to think I was some postmodern feminist that didn't see differences between men and women, only between people, but that's a little naiive. Call it nature, call it nuture, call it evolution, whichever way you slice it, we're different. So let you tell you a little bit about what I've learnt. My two cents on Men. Call it my Christmas Commerical. My Relationship PSA, if you will.

Now please take this with a dash of salt, it's inspired by a mash-up of Steve's chapters, evolutionary theory, pseudo-psychology, episodes of Oprah, and my own meagre, awkward experience. Ok here it is...
(eye candy generously supplied by The Sartorialist, it is Christmas after all).

1. He. Wants. To. Sleep. With. You.
That's right. He wants to get into your pants. Now I know you're a bit skeptical, after all some days you can barely fit into them yourself let alone with a second person (bikini season is long gone). But it's the truth. It's why he's stretching behind you at the gym, or why he corners you in the hallway to drill you, interrogation-style, to come see him play at Lee's Palace (say: maybe, mean: never in hell). It's not because they're scumbags, or perverts or-that great buzzword!-sex-addicts. They don't mean anything by it, they don't mean to hurt/objectify/play you (mostly), it's just who they are. It's in their nature. Sex is spelled SEX, big bold caps. It can mean absolutely everything or absolutely nothing. They need it to unwind, 'tighten up', reconnect, share, everything.

Men are physical communicators, and sex can do a lot of the talking. It can say I love you, I'm lonely, I want you, I've had a stressful day, or nice dress. Who he's with, how conservative he is, whether or not he'll act on impulse, or how you respond is all irrelevant. What he's thinking deep, deep (and some guys even deeper) down is you and him. together.

2. He's doing some quick thinking/calculating on the go.
To figure out what it'll take for that to happen, he's looking for clues: any small sign that will tell him what it'll take. It's not about reputation (that goes without saying for most us lovely, well-behaved ladies), it's finer than that. It's about what we're unconciously projecting about how we expect to be treated, and what we want to see in a man. I used to not know what I want, but that was basically coming across as "I'm open to whatever you want" and no, I am not.

3. He needs to define himself- externally.
Women define themselves by their likes/dislikes, what they feel and think, it's all internal. Men are the opposite; they're all about the external (go figure), they define themselves in terms of their title, their profession/what they do, and how much they make.

4. If he's not looking for you then he's not going to find you, whether you're right there in front of him or not.
In other words, you can't change him. Really girls, you. can't. change. him. If you're not on the same page, want the same things, you're not going to convince him otherwise, he ain't gonna change to accomodate you. So you have two options here: either stick with it, just to drag it out, or drop him and move on. We have this idea drilled into our heads of The One, that we should cling to whoever we're with against all common sense just beacuse-you never know!- he might be The One. But if he doesn't want what you want then you don't want him. That makes him not-The-One.

I know it's not easy to move on. Trust me, I'm the worst. I'm still hung up on the same guy since September. A Jewish rapper. Totally smitten. But we weren't on the same page. And no amount of charm was going to change that. There. I said it. It wasn't like he was going to read my blog or anything (he didn't know my last name let alone my url). So girls cut your losses, count your chips and move on. You'll save yourself time, time, time... and charm to use on the next one. Cue this song.


So that's my two cents. There's more to it, but I can feel your eyes glazing over, and they've cued the music already. So fellas, can I say we understand each other a little better now?


RocM notes: To all my gorgeous gay friends, I hope this post didn't make you feel left out-- I promise to tackle you too soon! (In a totally platonic, nonsuggestive way.)